When Perfectionism peeks in her pretty little head, I like to remind her that I'm just doing my thing. She used to stop me from simply doing the thing, whatever it is, whether it's saying the next line in the script (yes, I had terrible stage fright), clicking send on the the next post (this blog is renewed from many years ago-- why did I delete the posts? Where did they go?), sending out a thank you note to casting, doing a self-tape (before the pandemic it used to be a pre-read before you went to the first call to casting... remember?)
I used to think I had to do everything REALLY WELL which prevented me from doing much, because if I couldn't do it perfectly then.... I would be vulnerable... To what... To criticism... to ridicule... oh, right, to shame.
Dear Shame, we know each other well don't we. I used to be ashamed of responding in normal conversation with someone I cared about about something I thought or believed. I would feel myself blushing and my tone getting quieter and quieter as I dived in deeper to an idea or thought, especially if I actually cared about being heard.
After a lot of therapy I started to uncover and name the reasons why I was so terrified of speaking. Yes, I chose to be an actor and have been one for many man years now. Speaking of stage fright: In a school assembly, during my fourth grade performance of the Netherlands in front of all our families, we each went down the line to say one line about the country. One by one we would go down the line and it came down to me and as I opened my mouth this terror gripped me and I LITERALLY FORGOT. The next kid didn't say his/her line and we waited. In silence. I was frozen solid. I imagined the disappointment/terror/horrified look on my parents faces but I couldn't even see anything. I don't know how long we were all there in silence, could have been a few seconds, could have been five minutes. I eventually found my breath and told myself to make something up, so I did. My apologies to the Netherlands and people and culture. I don't even think it made any logical sense... "In the Netherlands... bike... go." or something like that. As a grown up I used to have recurring nightmares of this incident from childhood.
So ...Perfectionism and Shame, I know you two will always be with me, but you're not driving this ship anymore. I'll take care of that.
I do to remind myself that I'm just practicing at this thing called life. We're not born into it knowing or understanding how the world works and don't need to believe that story anymore. Watching my two babies come into this world I truly believe we're born knowing and understanding and deeply connected to our spirit and as we continue to live in the world and it's possible to lose touch with our spirit unless we actively exercise and PRACTICE being that part of ourselves that is so vibrant and undeniable. Even if those around us don't approve. Even if we get ridiculed or shamed. It simply means those people are not our people. Find your people, your family, your community. They exist. I promise. We belong here.
Remember we're playing the long game and as Jonah Hill reminded us in his documentary Stutz, every pearl will have a turd in it.
So be it.
Just keep going.
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